Decisions, and making them, and me

Today, for the second time within a year, I turned down an offer to attend a great graduate program in Switzerland. Even just now, while typing that sentence, I thought, “What? Really?? You did that? Why?? Why not just go!?” And the answer is … well, I don’t know what the answer is. I keep trying to go to graduate school, and then I keep not going. Either I don’t have enough money, or I don’t have enough information (I barely researched programs — how can I possibly limit myself to this one??), or I am too old, or I don’t want to leave my friends, or it’s (even) further from my family, or I am afraid, or . . .

I’ve talked myself out of a perfectly good thing. It probably would’ve been the awesomest thing yet. Maybe. If I had gone.

No sooner had I hit the “send” button that carried my “letter of decision” than I was inwardly screaming, “Nooooo! Wait!!! I … is it … can I change my mind?”

But yes, apparently, I can change my mind: again, and again, and again. It’s getting the mind to choose a course and stay upon it that is the challenge.


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